Recursive Words

For the first time in weeks – months even – the weekend is our own. I’m sitting in the study, listening to music, and almost giddy with all the things I won’t be doing. Not having to be somewhere, be looking after somebody, running an errand, or whatever else leaves me at a completely loose end. I had almost completely forgotten what it felt like.

I’m listening to “Golden Hour” by Kacey Musgraves, sipping a coffee, and taking the opportunity to just “be present” for a change – in a way that I haven’t been for a long time. It’s kind of nice.

I don’t really have anything to write about – but I’m writing it anyway. I guess that pre-supposes that nothing can be something – which probably breaks physics in all sorts of important ways.

I didn’t go for a run this morning. I thought about it. And then thought “you know what – you need to slow the hell down – this is the first day you’ve had to yourself in forever”. So I didn’t go for a run, and I didn’t go to Spoons for breakfast either. I wandered downstairs, put some bread in the toaster, and made a coffee.

There’s a part of me that feels a bit self conscious if I escape to a cafe or pub with the laptop – like I’m pretending in some way. It feels performative. I know it’s no more than imposter syndrome, but it still feels odd.

I will go for a run tomorrow morning though. I need to do something.

I got called “basic” by my eldest daughter yesterday. She wasn’t wrong. The rest of the family came home from a shopping trip to the discount store in a nearby town, and returned with a present for me – a box of broken chocolate biscuits. I did a happy dance in the kitchen, which elicited the “basic” label. You can take your fancy cakes, and filter coffees – I’ll always be happiest with a cup of coffee and a chocolate biscuit.

Right.

I suppose I better go and lean into this whole “doing nothing on purpose” lark. The only problem? I’m not good at doing nothing. I’m an expert at finding some idiot rabbit hole to fall down.

Maybe I’ll get the chess board out.